WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
