The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
