Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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