We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
