How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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