He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
