i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
