ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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