I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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