Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
