I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
