My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
