so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
