honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
