Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
