I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
