ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
