I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
