She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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