he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
