the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
where are my eyebrows?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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