he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
