I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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