i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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