Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The uberlube is also flammable
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
