hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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