dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
