I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
