Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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