I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
