Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
