just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
