I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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