Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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