He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
