sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Semen is not good for contacts.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
