If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
