i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
