Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
