things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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