too bad you live with your parents still
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
