I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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