so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
