Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Found the puke drawer
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
