clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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