Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
