awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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