we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
