I'm gonna have a badass scar
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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