I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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