Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
