Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
