the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
