Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
