Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
