woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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